I Will Never Pursue You

August 11, 2014

 

 

Maybe I’m beginning to like you a lot,

but I will never pursue you.

Around me, I’m tempted by all these pawns

calling me to use them,

looking me in the eye, saying

maybe you and I can ”accidentally” bump into each other in a coffee shop;

maybe we can schedule “friendly dates” with a bunch of conniving friends;

maybe I can start “innocent” topics with you over that gleaming chat box,

ask you things that no one would brand as bad,

I can even send you “wrong sends.”

But even this early, I realized

that albeit pawns are the most numerous pieces in a game,

at the end of the day,

they are but

the weakest.

 


Don’t get me wrong -

I want to be with you.

Just to get to know you more,

I am ready to manipulate

so many things -

things I can hide in my heart’s darkest cellars

things you would never have to know

I did.

And I am so sorry

if so many times

I feel terribly inclined to make things happen

in a forced manner

through the methods I uncannily know;

and always try to get in your way

even if most of the time,

it’s way out of mine.

I would never want to know

how it is to look at you

knowing that only my own human hands

engineered the story

we so thoughtlessly call ours.

I choose not to get my hands dirty.

I will not move my cards -

use things, use people

just to get to you.

I will be secure

even if we do not get to be together

as often as I would want us to.

I will be happy

even if we do not get to know each other

as fast as I want us to.

I will not sulk

if I do not get my way

in trying to make way

for us to finally talk.

I choose to be secure

even if such things are way out of my control.

Perhaps my heart will rest more happily

knowing that I have never orchestrated things

by employing selfish methods;

never cheated you

by whispering my own words through other people’s mouths,

never betrayed you

by telling you at the end of the day

that it is I who made everything possible,

that it is I who worked behind the scenes,

that it is I who controlled and manipulated everything

just like some pathetic cheater

in any easy exam.

If anything, maybe I can write these things about you in secret

for now

then just tell you everything (laughingly) in the future.

Plenty of time to bide,

to strive,

to try to improve myself,

become a better woman.

But one thing I’ll never do is pursue you.

I’ll never do the pursuing

the making way

the courting

the getting to know

And the trying to be close to you part.

Because it’s not my part.

I’ll stick to the part that I know -

and that is to keep my heart pure.

So pure

That when love finally finds me

I’ll know that what I have is divine.

My part is to trust God,

to fix my eyes on Him,

to acknowledge His sovereignty in all my life’s areas

I don’t want human hands

Not mine.

Not yours.

I want the only Hands that matter –

His.

That as I wait, He’ll be my only delight

my singular motive,

my one true purpose;

for His will and His person

to become my life's utmost concern.

I’ll never pursue you or anyone else.

I’ll pursue the One

who loves me best,

knows me best,

and who’s the only authority to deem it best

if ever you are the one

I should have in my life…

Or not.

Until then, I may find myself liking you too much,

but I will never pursue you.

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